Redemption
by sahaaa
Summary: Castiel needs help, but who can he turn to when he's alienated everybody he cares about? Season seven.


Looking around at the bodies surrounding him, Castiel realised that he was out of control. He needed to stop; he needed help; he needed the Winchesters, although he knew that was out of the question. He had never meant for things to get this bad, for anyone to get hurt; he had wanted to help, to make Earth a better place. No hate, no discrimination, just peace: those were the things he wanted for the people of Earth. He had just wanted to do as the Winchesters did: save lives and rid the world of evil, but he had screwed up. As he observed the bloodshed he had caused, he finally understood the human saying '_the road to Hell is paved with good intentions'_. This was Castiel's personal hell: murdering innocent people, murdering angels, _his brothers, _and, mostly, losing the only friends he ever really had. Another human saying struck Castiel at the thought of his Sam, Dean and Bobby: _absolute power corrupts absolutely. _He had always thought human expressions to be silly and pointless, but now he fully understood how right they were.

_Hey, Castiel, uhm… Maybe this is pointless… I don't know if any part of you even cares, but, uhm, I still think of you're one of us, deep down… Way, way off the reservation. But, we still have 'til dawn to fix this. Let us help, please. _As if by fate, Sam's voice filled Castiel's head. Castiel had always felt a connection with the younger Winchester brother, like he was the human counterpart of himself: both had rebelled against absent fathers, both had had immense power and lost control, and both had an overwhelming need to keep Dean Winchester safe. He was surprised to hear from them at all, but knew that it had to be Sam to call him, not Dean. Dean couldn't understand what it was like to be filled with such energy, such power, and have it completely destroy you from within; Dean was too strong.

He wanted more than anything to go and let them fix him, but he knew he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve anybody's help; he had cut off all ties and messed up on a major scale. Still, Sam had called for him, and he's _always _answered a call from a Winchester. And, he had to admit, he did need help. His vessel was cracking under the pressure of holding the contents of purgatory, and it wouldn't be long before Jimmy Novak's body was nothing more than a wreck. _Jimmy. _Poor little Jimmy, the man who had sacrificed everything for his faith: another person who Castiel had let down; another person who had put complete trust in Castiel, only for him to fail. He _had _to fix this, so, bloody and exhausted, he went to the place that his surrogate family would be. The Winchesters and Bobby were the closest thing to a family that Castiel had ever had, even if he had abandoned them and turned against them, so he answered Sam's prayer.

Dean's face when he saw Castiel hurt the angel a lot. He knew that he would be unwanted there, especially by Dean, but he was determined to redeem himself. Shakily, he asked for the one thing he deserved least in the world: help. Dean's face softened for a split second; before hardening immediately, not wanting to show the angel that he still cared. That split second was enough, though, and Castiel clung to it, wishing desperately that he could have Dean's forgiveness. He _knew _that he was probably going to die, he was too broken to survive, and he couldn't bear his best friend in the world being angry with him, even if he had earned it. He _needed _redemption, but knew it would be hard to get. So, Castiel clung to that one flicker of emotion from Dean, knowing that it was probably the last look void of hated he was ever going to get.

As always, the boys and Bobby had a plan. The whole situation seemed so familiar, yet couldn't have been more different. Normally, they were all fighting the 'big bad'; this time that was Castiel. He had always answered their calls; saved them; made everything better, but this time, he couldn't. As much as he wanted to, he wasn't able to just snap his fingers and make all the bad things go away, to protect the Winchesters; he _was _the bad thing they needed protecting from. His selfishness and weakness had caused all of this, and only in his death could he make everything better. He was okay with dying, though, as long as the Winchesters were safe. They had done so much for him: taught him that freedom is worth fighting for; taught him the value of friendship; taught him that family doesn't always mean blood; taught him how to be _human. _He owed them so much, but had done them so much harm, that dying to protect them didn't seem so daunting; it would be his salvation. He wanted to voice these thoughts, but he didn't want them to know that he was probably going to have to die for the Earth. No; for _them_. He was lying to himself when he said that he had wanted to fix the Earth: he had done everything for Dean and Sam, to keep them safe and to make them proud, except he had failed at the last part. He had thought that ridding the world of evil would make him like them, like he had always longed to be, but he had gone too far, and now he was everything he had loathed. This was why he couldn't voice his thoughts: the thought that they wouldn't care overwhelmed him. Why should they care after everything he had done?

_But that look. _The image of Dean's face, full of care, even if it was only for a moment, wouldn't leave Castiel's mind. He _did _care. That made his decision even harder: if Dean did care, even a little bit, he probably would try to save Castiel, to prevent him sacrificing himself, and he couldn't allow that. But, he couldn't help but want to tell them. His selfish desires meant that he needed somebody to _care _that he was about to die, and he wanted to say his last goodbyes. He had insisted that they drove to the lab, so his opportune moment came to say something in the Impala:

"Dean, Samuel, Robert; please do not interrupt me. This process… It is not without its dangers. I am probably going to die; no, I _am _going to die. I don't expect you to cry for me, or to even care, but I wanted to say goodbye, and… Thank you." The three men around him remained silent for a while after he spoke. Sam, who was seated next to him, opened his mouth, but immediately closed it when catching Dean's eye in the rear-view mirror. Instead, he simply nodded in acknowledgment that Castiel had spoken. Dean then fixed his reflected gaze onto Castiel, and it broke the angel's heart. Castiel finally saw what he had done to Dean: he had broken him, and for that, Castiel could never forgive himself. The older Winchester copied his brother and simply nodded. Castiel had expected this, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

Sam and Dean helped Castiel walk from the car to the lab, although neither would look at him. Bobby went ahead to set up, much to Dean's dismay. Dean had wanted to go ahead and leave Castiel in the care of Sam and Bobby, but Bobby reminded him that he wouldn't be much help in supporting the angel. A sadness swept over the angel as he heard them arguing quietly in the front, clearly thinking that Castiel was too out of it to hear them. Although it was merely because Dean couldn't stand to see his angel in such a bad condition and couldn't handle everything that was happening, Castiel immediately assumed that it was hate that had made Dean not want to be near him. Out of the three of them, Castiel had always felt that he shared the strongest bond with Dean, and to have him turn his back on him hurt.

There were so many things that Castiel wanted to say to Dean as he sat, barely supporting himself, whilst the others finished setting up, so he set Sam off to get a jar they would need. He wanted to tell Dean how sorry he was for everything, but especially for hurting Sam; how he would do anything to go back in time and fix things; how he had never wanted for things to get this far; how he owed Dean so much; how he felt extreme guilt that he had hurt his best friend, and, mostly, he wanted Dean to know that Castiel had been witness to so many of God's wonders, but the thing that had the most impact on his life was _him. _Nobody had ever done more for Castiel, yet got so little in return. He just wanted Dean to _understand, _but words failed him, and all he could say was '_I feel regret'.  
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"Yeah? Well, you should." Dean's reply was just another stab in the angel's chest. Castiel tried in vain to reconcile the only way he thought would work: Sam, although he knew it wouldn't work, because he couldn't _actually _fix him. Castiel knew that breaking down Sam's wall was the final straw for Dean; that was the event that made Castiel public enemy number one. Dean cared so much for Sam, just like he once had Castiel, and to hurt him meant a line had been crossed. Dean and Castiel were alike in that way: they cared so deeply for the people they loved that it was almost crippling, and they would do _anything _to protect them.

As Bobby started to read out the ritual, Castiel found it increasingly harder just to stand. He felt his legs fall from under him, but before he could make contact with the floor, a pair of hands had gripped him and pulled him back into a standing position. The brief contact with Dean was the moment Castiel had been waiting for: salvation. As Dean lifted him, he felt himself grow stronger and ready for death. The catharsis that washed over him was overwhelming, but Castiel welcomed it. Knowing that Dean had caught him, voluntarily, when he could have let him fall, gave Castiel a warmness that he hadn't felt in a long time. As he felt the souls of purgatory leave him, and his life end, Castiel was happy. He was putting an end to all the trouble he had caused to save the Winchesters, and if he had to die to do that, then so be it. That was a lesson Dean had taught him: to do absolutely anything necessary to protect family.

**Hello, Castiel. **His eyes flickered open, and was surprised to find himself back in the lab with Dean and Bobby. Was this Hell? Was he going to spend an eternity in a place where Dean would never forgive him? No, it couldn't be. But, how was he alive? **Hello, Castiel. **A little voice niggled at him, growing louder and stronger, and suddenly, Castiel understood. He wasn't in Hell, but he may as well have been: the Leviathans were taking over. **Hello, Castiel, figured it out? **Castiel fought against them, but they were so strong. He couldn't let them take over, though; everyone would die if they won. But, they were so _strong. _**Do not try to fight us, Castiel. **They were gripping at him, pulling him deeper and deeper, until his control over his vessel was almost destroyed. Castiel used his last strength to warn Dean, to get him to run, before he was completely overtaken by the Leviathan. **Welcome, Castiel, I'm glad you're on our side now. **_No, never. I'll never be on your side. _**Oh, but Castiel, you are. We control now. And look what we're going to do to your precious little Dean. **_You touch him and I'll… _**You'll what, Castiel? Sit there and watch? How are you going to fight back, when we run the show now? **The angel was determined to regain some control, but he was suppressed too deeply and could only sit and watch as the Leviathan beat Dean and Bobby.

_Stop. Please, stop.  
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**"This is going to be so much fun."**

A sudden pain attacked Castiel, and he realised that his vessel was dying. Dean realised this too, and told the Leviathan. **Is he lying, Castiel? **_No. _**Come on then, Castiel, let's go. Left, right, left, right, that's it. Isn't this exciting, Castiel? Off we go, now, to the water supply. We're going to have some fun now, Castiel, and spread this thing like wildfire. This is what you wanted right? You wanted to rid the world of evil, so let's do that. Let's wipe out the human race, the biggest evil ever to come to this Earth. This is your fault, Castiel, you opened purgatory and let us in, so don't complain. Right, now, Castiel, let's do this. **All Castiel could do was watch helplessly as his vessel was driven into the lake and used to spread the Leviathan.  
><em>I'm so sorry, Dean. I wanted to tell you this before, and now it's too late. It's way too late. I'm sorry for lying to you, I'm sorry for hurting Sam, I'm sorry for making you lose faith in me, I'm sorry for screwing up, I'm sorry I couldn't stop myself, <em>_I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. __I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to resist temptation. I only ever wanted to keep you safe, and now I've failed in that. I know you can't hear me, but I needed to tell you that. Everything I did, I did it for you. I did it for you and Sam and Bobby; the only people who have ever been family to me. Please, Dean, I know it's way too much to ask, but please fix this. Not for me, I couldn't ever ask you to do something for me after everything I've done, but for everybody else. Do what you do best: save the world. Please, Dean, please. I beg you.  
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**Hush now, little Castiel, we've got work to do.**


End file.
